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Bird Turds

It was all before dinner…

I was hungry, I felt like I hadn’t eaten in days.

After all of the holiday hubbub, I wasn’t thinking clearly; just caught off guard!

It was the right place at the right time.

I feel so ashamed that I even enjoyed it!

I couldn’t help it; I didn’t know!

Enjoying ruining my appetite and getting a stomach ache has never tasted so good!

I just feel so bad for them…


“So, yeah; there I was, in the middle of the sign- and the damnedest thing happened…”

“The one on 9th…orrrr…”

“You molting or what!? I never left the sign, moron!”
“C’mon! How long I’ve been staying off of 1st, by the big roof? What two-tree years!? Your kids weren’t even hatched yet!”

“Been that long?”

“So, where was I? Yeah so, I was laid up at the sign and you’d never guess what I saw!”

“…a human…”
“…a bag of fries…”

“No, no! It was a human, yeah; but, this one was talking to itself!”
“But, it wasn’t, see? It was at first, I thought…then, it wasn’t what I heard; I saw it.”

“…wait…so, you heard what you didn’t see or saw what you didn’t hear, but thought you heard and saw instead?”

“…”
“Yeah, whatever; it was a crow.”
“A crow; talking to a human.”

“Oh… theeeeey had the fries!”

“Ohhhhhh; I’m sure they had fries…”
“They weren’t talking about no breadcrumb stuff…”
“That crow was selling shit!”

 “What kind? Like what!?”

“What do you mean what kind; SHIT!”
“Yeah, you heard me; that damn crow got a whole bag of fries”
“I could smell it!”

“We need to bring it some shit and we get fries?”

“You got it.”
“This is going to be the one! I can taste those babies now!”
“I’m going to meet you at your sign, first thing in the morning!”

“Yeah!”

“Don’t go until I get there; they need to be fresh!”


“…….pssst!”
“…over here…”
“…you got what I need?”

“Uh…yeah…um, large fry; extra salt… careful, it’s hot!”
“…”

“…go to the trashcans… turn left at the third dead tree stump…just wait there, at the cut in the fences…”
“Don’t be late…”

“…um… like, now?”
“Hey…where’d you go!?”
“…”

“thiiird dead…third dead tree stump…fence…”
“…dewnt beh laaaaate…”
“…”

“…here…couldn’t risk… this is all you should need to know…”
“…nice doing business with you…”
“…not a word…or…CROW!”
“…know what I mean..”

“…uh, thanks?”
“…what the…w…wait…………..!”
“!!!”

~Dark chocolate and butterscotch morsels melted together. Then you add chow mien noodles and whatever else you like like nuts, raisins, coconut or candy. Spoonfuls out on parchment paper then put in fridge to harden.~

“What the fuck kind of recipe is this!?”
“That fucking crow! Can’t expect a crow to have decent grammar; hell, I don’t speak crow-eese!”
“This might have well been a fucking text message!”
“I will have to give this a shot… and all I wanted was to bring something homemade and fun for the family holiday!”


“Okay…shush…this is the spot…”
“Just wait here…stay in the sign, until I give you the signal…”

“What’s the signal?”

“You’ll know; I’ll just sound like a signal sounds…”
“…there…here it comes…”
“Stay-put.”

“Heeeeey!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…I got what you are looking for, buddy!”

“Do what!?”
“Um… you made some…eh…’turds’?”
“……..uh…where’s that crow?”

“Oh! Uh, he said he told you I was coming this time!?”
“You know, you never know with a crow…”
“Let’s make this quick; you got the goods!?”

“Um…no…I just wanted to see if y..he..if there was something else I should know or…”
“I may need you to tell me; I can’t understand the directions…is that the recipe?”
“…I mean…I came through with the fries, like y..it asked…”

“Well, if you want the shit; you can have all you want, just go get some more fries…the price just went up!”

“…really!? You have them already made?”
“I mean, I did my best… I did just like the instructions; I already made them! I guess the professionals would make them better!


“Who you kidding!? I do this all day!”
“I can have even more if you bring more fries though!”
“I certainly will shit you, my friend! I sir, am a professional shitter!”

“I thought you all called them turds…”

“Yeah, same difference! I told yous all about them crows!”

“I will be back soon, then!”
“Uh…thiiird dead stump??”

“…”
“Eh, ah…whatever you say pal!”
“I’m not going anywhere!”
“SHOO!”

“You didn’t score?”

“No. no. The putz is going for the fries now…”
“I can’t believe we hit the feather load, kid!”

“This is a Christmas miracle!”

“What the heck is crissmiss!?”

“You…I don’t know, I just know the humans like it when it’s over…I think that’s what miracle means…”
“…your guess is as good as mine on the other thing!”

“Look, look… here it comes!”
“Greasy bag in hand; check!”

“Shhhh! I’m going in… This time; I go say hi and you come from behind and grab the bag.”
“Easy as doing dailies off the baileys!”

“They don’t call it fast food for nothing!”

“I bet…now drop the bag…same time…”
“…easy…”

“…o…okay…”
“…”


“GO! GO! GO! SIGNAL! SIGNAL!”
“Eat up, sucker!”

“These don’t look like the ones I made….I knew I did something…”
“Oh well, I am going to be late, as it is!!”
“…”
“…the bag is warm!”
“Must be fresh!”

(…I thought they were supposed to be chilled…)


I am just going to eat mine before I go in…I’m starving after the exposure to all those fries!; the family can enjoy the real deal, professionally made ones…

WOW…these are GOOD!

Maybe I did something right… daaaaaaang!

*nom nom and nom*

Ugh…sooo addicting…I’m never getting dinner down…I just want to sleep!

I can’t imagine how good these others are!

Alright…let’s go see the fam! I hope they like these as much as I do!

*doorbell chime*
*doorbell still chiming*
*nearing the end of the doorbell’s melody*

“OH! Heeeeey! Stranger…It’s so good to see you!!!”

“Heeeey! Sorry I’m late, I brought treats!”
“I am chock full of them already; they are so good!”

“Oh! How thoughtful! Is this homemade?”
“Wonderful!”

“Yes, ah…It…it’s a secret recipe that I learned in the wild!”
“The locals, were I discovered the recipe; they call them…well, get ready for this…”
“Bird Turds”

“Well, they look fantastic; wow, so authentic looking!! I never knew you were so creative in the kitchen!?”
“Well, come on in and warm up!”
“We have cheese balls!”

“what am I going to feed you birds!?” by Fisty

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Published by Fartfist

I am personally a personal personality for a personable person using this persona.

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