Welcome to the last chapter, in which thou shall ”Cook with a Fist”.
It is not as if we had never cooked before, you and I! We have the chance to do so in the future; so long as the road to Unsanity continues to travel us!
There needs to be a celebration, to honor the end of the ninth tome of Unsanity; the culinary grimoire of the Fist…
In an end of one look; one book becomes ten- begin again from end to end.
Quelled at twelve and held by shelves or sold to sell and told to go to hell.
Oh well! It all depends; don’t it!?
Let this serve as a commemorative moment!
Come from above! Don’t wait for the damages.
You are most, certainly invited to love or hate:
“~Fartfist’s Festival Of Sandwiches~”
[Yeah, I needed the wavy, little tildes…AND marks of quotation stimulation.
They are the bread and condiments to the sandwich of notoriety.
I am making attempt at THAT particular Sammy…(obviously…)]
One through twelve; Fun to delve into the meal, what can be held!
It’s in your hand and on the go; follow these plans and you will know.
Not what I can, but want to show…
The menu is planned and then you demand; please understand, it’s like this- I’m not a hand, I am a Fist.
Start the band and light the pits; upon us lands the first sandwich, fixed by the artist currently known as The Fartfist!!!
Let’s start with bliss, let’s start with this; let’s start with
Fartfist’s Loose Meat Sandwich:
- Extremly lightly toasted normal human grocery bread.
- One fist of ground meat, sautéed in onion, garlic, butter, mushroom, green bell pepper, salt, black pepper. (Drained)
- One palm of whole milk, smoked provolone style cheese, melted over the top of the sauté but, NOT mixed; during it’s final moments after draining.
- Just a thin layer of your favorite condiment on the bottom slice only!
- Mayonnaises are a popular choice, as well as addition of dill pickle!
- You may eat this
Coming to party is hardly the hardest to beat, but partly the most to eat; some say outstanding and some would be running from this!
Witness The Fartfist’s
Heartless Roast Beef:
- Bakery style sourdough, non-toasted.
- One heaping fist of slow cooked prime rib filets, brined in salt/powdered mustard seed/garlic, then roasted in caramelized onion roux/au jus or whatever it is to you! .
- Havarti style cheese crumbled in between layers and a slice of good, young swiss on top.
- Both sides of bread slathered with prepped radish of the horses…NOT SAUCE!!!
- A few bits of browned onion from the pan on top of the swiss cheese.
- A lap around the block after…or some health insurance (FF despises insurances for non-ensured of responsibility! It’s like saying, SURE, die…go ruin yourself, WE are insured! This is where all your hard earned money goes when you run out of invincibility).
- Extra fries and soda and a toy.
- All truth aside; it really IS delicious!
Here we have next; abreast of the breast, the best of the frickin’ filled, but famished
The Grilled Chicken Sandwich:
- You need a “hamburger bun” for this; choose wisely.
- One grilled thigh or breast of chicken; filleted and marinated in lemon, water, olive oil, garlic, onion, basil, rosemary, cilantro, salt, black pepper, paprika, turmeric. (Or you can cheat with what humans call…”Italian Dressing”; inferior, by far- however, permissible.)
- Lettuce, tomato, onion, dill pickle.
- Cheddar cheese, any way you slice it.
- Light mustard and mayo on the bottom bun.
- Enough to make another…and another…and another…
- Seriously, you want two of these!
- I don’t care how small or feeble you are! TWO!
- I will have, infinity; The Fist could eat these indefinitely and still be ready to do laps in the pool! (Fartfist has no access to pools, other than a mud puddle, lake or ocean.)
- There isn’t another step…
- Well, you need to clean up the drool.
- Go build the world!
Oh there’s more; prepare for your eyes and hair to be aware of four.
A scare, for sure; affair with taste, endured…Prepare to face
- Tortillas, made from flour and corn.
- “Chorizo” sausage, corn, rice, peppers (any), black olives, pinto beans, onion, garlic, tomato.
- Salsa that you understand.
- Sourish Cream
- Shredded “Pepperjack” cheese
- Your favored, simulated, elevated temperature sauce.
- Common sense and homage to early South American sandwiches!
- Try grilling two torts, filled with these magical ingredients and thank some Mayans…and thank yourself!
- No sacrificial food! (You better clean your plate!!)
Only the classics are ever wise…
Below me lies what must be brandished as advertised…
This surprised by
The Fried Bologna Sandwich With Fist Fries:
- Sliced bread made by robots.
- Two poorly and briefly fried, thick slices of shitty bologna; don’t even bother with the little, cuts around the edges… the man at the sewage plant won’t fine you.
- One slice of “Pasteurized Stuff Posing As Cheese”.
- Little patience.
- A taste for nostalgia; even if you can’t remember ever eating one of these…
- Low standards
- A few unpeeled, white potatoes, sliced into “steak” style cuts, fried in vegetable shortening just long enough to brown, so they effectively retain some “softness” in the crunch.
- Salt generously rained down upon your hospital bills.
- Trust in the Fist; that this actually IS a great fan favorite!
- I like them and I am not obese!
- Maybe a jog around the imaginary block…as you post up in a recliner and slip into a food induced coma.
- I have once even eaten one of these dispensed from a machine…it too was surprisingly good!
Relax a bit, rest your legs and kick it.
Slowly get managed next by
The Only Egg Sandwich:
- The muffins, English
- A chicken egg, cracked in hot butter with it’s yolk stabbed and formed into an English muffin sized shape. Salt and cracked black added when the “goo” is still gelatinous.
- The egg must be flipped and then cooked in such a way that the yolk is still orange more than yellow. Meaning, don’t cook it too much.
- Cheddar cheese, avocado, tomato, cooked bacon, green and red bell peppers, mushrooms; all diced and placed gingerly on top while heat is still a factor, but very briefly.
- The muffin will be buttered. Both sides. (Or humans like mayo on one side and butter the other).
- “Ranch” flavor, humie salad dressing is favorable as well.
- Maybe hot sauce, if that’s the mood or spicy salsa substituted for the aforementioned “good stuff”.
- Work that needs crushing, once you claim your sandwich’s bounty.
Seven is heaven,
In this court, you CAN argue
Enter the bliss,
Fartfist’s Pork Barbeque:
- BUNS! Topped with the seeds of sesame.
- PORK TIPS! Grilled to shit with a twist of salty lemon and pepper sitting on it.
- LOOK TIPS! Then pressure-cook the bits in water with a little bit of corn syrup.
- Now you can add your bleeding sauce; for this I use just red pepper, salt, sugar and apple vinegar…remember that what you will enter will diminish the flavor!
- Stir in the mixture…while slowly roasting it all.
- Now just make or fake some cole slaw; place it on top, whole and raw!
- Patience…I only told you the gist, but not all.
- Thank yourself, the clause, cause, prose and BOTH paws of The Fist.
I promise, the next sandwich is no omelet
this candidate will have your soul sing the ballad.
Beg for a whole pallet; more like be damned if you don’t demand it
Behold; hold your leg…it’s
Fartfist’s Egg Salad Sandwich:
- All manner of pastry or bread is suitable for this creation of…egg..(no, no, no…)
- It’s excellent, to say the least.
- At least four of the largest chicken eggs, originated from the smallest chickens. (four egg, minimum)
- One plop per two eggs; mayonnaise, mustard, prepared horseradish (Tiny, almost pinch, plop)….that’s enough plops…go easy now…
- Roughly a palm of finely chopped and diced; white onion, chive, dill (sweet or half/half) relish or pickled cucumber and pimento, celery (incredibly fine minced or celery seed, crushed between fingers).
- One pinch of dill weed.
- One pinch of paprika.
- One pinch, cream of tartar.
- One pinch of salt.
- One pinch of black crushed peppercorns.
- Boil on eggs MUST be soft.
- If you mucky that up, you can do ramen egg or something… I would pop it like humies do pills and keep it moving…
- Seriously, the eggs can’t boil longer than it takes to prep the lineup.
- Eggs will be cut into large chunks or eighths, then mashed with a fork, while introducing the guests.
- Depending on the bread chosen, it would often do nicely with a very light toasting, before sandwich construction begins.
- This will get better with addition of thin sliced tomato and romaine or spinach sandwiched in, on top! (raw of course)
- This sammo particularly increases ones, flatulent prowess; temporarily.
It’s too hot to be discreet; you ever beat with no time to eat?
Then, this one’s a treat you make while you eat.
What do you got that you could say to
The Wrap On The Street:
- Got the lunch meat?
- Not so nice and crunchy? Lets’ see…
- What about the sliced cheese?
- Roll it nicely and pass me down a slice please
- Blough- It’s done now.
Feast like dimwits on this next hand crafted lease on pipes ravaged.
Quite savage…it beats a handful of mavericks and completes the damage; whip out your feeble pricks and your damn cameras…
The Pizza Sandwich
- This needs to be a thin sliced “French” bread loaf; they don’t mess around with food, this is a wise bread indeed…it’s a lore so powerful, even if the name is printed upon it’s package label; it becomes somehow of Franco origin…mysteriously…and sarcastically, for you folks born today.
- Pepperoni, sliced thin.
- Shredded whole milk mozzarella, Parmesan.
- The bread will be lightly flicked with olive oil and sprinkled with parmesan on one side and the other will consist of the pepperoni, buried under the cheeses.
- This will bake very shortly in very high temperatures. “open faced”.
- I suggest making many of these to make it worth the gas.
- A thin sliced, cold tomato will be placed and sandwiched between these open faces for extra joy.
- Bonus points for traditional pizza toppings.
- I like the whole barn AND the forest on mine.
- I am incredibly strong; much, much stronger than you or anything your human experiences have shown you… please use caution when trying to eat like a Fist.
- I do not exaggerate.
Oh wow, eleven!; we already used that, but it rhymes with the word heaven.
Don’t confuse that with my decision, more or less your present.
Say your whole dern blessing and then brand it;
Make way for…
The Thanks For Giving Me A Sandwich:
- The bread must come from recent holiday gatherings in which you only attend for the food and not the occasion.
- Incidentally, so must the leftover turkey or ham…
- And; the smashed potatoes, some gravy, maybe some greens…
- And; the cranberry sauce from a can…
- And; the so called, “stuffing”, undoubtedly refferingto it’s time spent, stuffed in a box.
- Lets’ not forget the sweet potato pie….
- Or the broccoli casserole…
- I think you get the picture…if not; I plan on trying my best…doing a terrible job on purpose for the artwork associated with this piece…maybe you might then…I like that about the future!
- …thanks again for the sandwich!
- (They don’t know you are just going to slam it all on a sandy and go to town)
- (That went over their…everything)
AH! The finale, finally! Save me!
I’m in love with this vessel!
Without further adieu…
The Mamie Mamie Special:
- This must be a hoagie style roll.
- Roasted turkey.
- Thin strands of red onion; sparse.
- Pickled sweet and hot peppers.
- Light salt, black pepper.
- Razor thin tomatoes; at least three per roll.
- Razor thin dill and bread and butter pickles; sparse.
- Light mayonnaise only on one side.
- Light spicy, brown mustard (course mustard with horses of the radish, roaming) on the other side.
- Contents will be completely covered with sliced Swiss (cheese, not people) and provolone; alternating slices…two of each should fit.
- One must toast this only until the cheese first sags.
- That last step is crucial.
- So is this one.
- Lightly dust with dried parsley and basil.
- Lightly drizzle olive oil.
- Bake until merely until the cheese finishes melting; if the bread is getting dark, you have failed miserably. You lose.
- Just eat it!
- It’s still the best one on this list!
And so, the festival of sandwiches shall conclude!
Until next neutrally aligned holiday occasion of human frivolity and folly!
Please enjoy the food of the Fist.